Barry and Ursula’s daughter Mona shares a moment with Sherry.

Family opens their home and hearts
story by Barry Gray,
photographs by Ursula Heller

Every September, we are amazed that another year has passed with Sherry in our family. This year it has been fifteen. Sherry was born in Nelson in 1965, so our rural home near Nelson seemed like a good fit when her family were looking to relocate her after eight years in the Extended Care ward of an Okanagan general hospital. For eight years, her roommates had been octogenarians so the switch to a family with two pre-teen aged children was profound. Sherry took to it as well as our family took to her.

Our children were ten and twelve and quickly adopted Sherry as a mix between an auntie and a sister. Sherry had spent the final years of her childhood in a children’s care home in Vernon and seemed to remember being surrounded by kids. So the change from elderly roommates to a bustling family life was very positive for Sherry. Not to mention all the visiting friends of our children who in turn were also positively affected by her presence. Sherry’s family too, felt the change was the best thing that could have happened for her. On top of that, she now lived closer and they could see her more than once or twice a year.

We often hear of the fear and trepidation that families experience when their loved ones move into Home Share situations. Such was not the case here. Sherry’s sister in Nelson had been the strongest advocate to have Sherry moved from institution to family setting. The staff in the hospital were some of the most caring people I’ve met, but they just didn’t have the time to give Sherry the attention she needed to lead a fulfilling life. Being in a family home created a calm atmosphere for Sherry, which greatly improved her quality of life.

Whenever our children, now 25 and 27, visit home, they are immediately drawn to Sherry who was always there through their teen years and was such a big part of their lives, just as they were part of hers. The love between them is still deep.

We also mark another day to honour another person joining our family. That day is December 5, when Maggie came to live with us six years ago. Maggie is approaching her senior years and has spent most of her life in institutional care. We don’t know many details of her time in Woodlands and Tranquille before she came to Nelson about 30 years ago. In Nelson, she lived in several group homes before the decision six years ago to try the Home Share model.

In the fall of 2003, we had already been identified as the family with whom Maggie would be going to live. There were arguments against the move, including fears that Maggie would miss out on social outings in Nelson, that she would no longer see her long time friends from the group homes and that she would be isolated “out in the country.” In our opinion the fears were unfounded.

There were initial transitional issues, but Maggie soon came to realize that her life in our home suited her very well. Maggie became a calm, happy person who reveled in the undivided attention she received and who seemed to drop the defense mechanisms she needed in a large group setting of people with various and diverse needs and personalities. Maggie was able to become the person she wanted to be. Maggie and Sherry are no competition for each other and have become close friends.

People who have known Maggie for many years, including her former caregivers, often comment on the Maggie they now know when they see her with us or with our respite workers in Nelson. She visits her old friends. She attends events at many local community halls. She still regularly goes to her Special Olympics bowling league. She has made trips to see her siblings and they have come to see her. She knows every coffee shop in Nelson.

Far from wanting to blow our own horns, because most caring, sensible people could do what we do and have done, we want this report to be a call to support the Home Share model of caregiving.

Sherry and Maggie have been our best teachers. We are the lucky ones to be blessed with such a living situation. It is the proverbial win/win situation. Families have the privilege of sharing their homes with a special needs person, that person benefits greatly and British Columbia makes a positive statement to the world by offering such a program.

Ursula Heller and Barry Gray have been involved in Home Sharing for more than eighteen years. Ursula is a photographer who specializes in social documentary photography. Barry is a teacher and writer. Together they have published six books and are working on another.